This whole thing is never really what you think it might be, it never really matches or exceeds your expectations, but it also doesn’t disappoint either. Sometimes you’ll find yourself thanking the lords for the life you have and other times you’ll find yourself in disbelief — how could it all go wrong right before you thought it couldn’t get any better?
This thing we call life was given to us for some reason and unless you’re on a different spectrum than the rest of us — the only thing that ever seems to be the driving force of everything you do is the people you surround yourself with.
Starting from who raised you — i.e your parents.
From the people who helped shaped the way you see the world — i.e your siblings.
To all the friends you make in high school, to the all the people you’ll probably never talk to from college, to all the coworkers you’ll come to meet, to all the significant others and partners you will have.
They all were and are your reason for the decisions you make and the reasons why you chose to do what you do and be who who you are.
Now this isn’t a rant on family and relationship dynamics.
And its also not a tribute to yet another article asking you to “love yourself”.
It’s a story — a story about me and my thoughts and all the damn things no one ever allowed me to be — still to this day and its also a fuck you to those who never gave me a chance to truly unlock on my own potential (i.e everyone close to me who I’ve ever been even in the slightest, vulnerable around).
I learned a lot growing up on my own, but I’ll share a few to paint a better picture for the point I’m making.
I learned not to fend for yourself, but to strive and work hard for yourself so you’d have a fighting chance at what life throws at you (YES THERE IS A DIFFERENCE).
I learned your whole life is meaningless unless you decide what that really even means (HINT: your life is only meaningless if you live to fulfill the values and purpose someone else gives you).
And most importantly I learned that you will always find it difficult to one trust people and two understand who in your life is really in it for the long run (AND no it won’t get easier as you grow older).
I 100% give my parents credit for the last one — it’s one thing to believe you may have a hard time trusting people, but another if it is instilled in you that the very people who gave birth to you will betray you then you’re not really going to trust anyone — for a really really long time.
For those reasons and for the sake of a longer narrative, I will say that working THAT hard to build something for yourself, finding a true purpose, and still knowing that no one may ever truly understand the depth of who you are or what you go through made me realize I don’t necessarily care if they do or not. But I do care to assure myself that I’m on the right track despite all of that.
So I write this not because I’m being an arrogant asshole, but because no one ever really knows me or appreciates the very qualities about myself I most passionate and proud of.
And how could they know me? They don’t ever regard them as accomplishments by any standard.
I start businesses (some that did okay and others in the works I feel could be great). I would tell strangers and they’d be excited. I would tell my friends and well, they wouldn’t quite understand (some too critical and some flat out negative). I would tell my family and I’d just get laughed at. Not the kind of laugh where they thought my ideas were different, but more the type of laugh where (yes my own parents) thought “who do you think you are to think you can do better than us? and actually succeed?”
With their logic, you would think someone whose so willing to take risks, must have a reason to feel entitled to a reward. But really the whole taking risks thing is somehow a part of me — it comes out from the deepest part of me actually. It comes from the place of vulnerability and courage that if I’m being honest is what I love most about myself. Somehow despite the lack of support and honesty, I still believed these things would either go right or teach me otherwise.
I adore change. I think it’s coolest part of being alive. And i’m not talking changing hairstyles or being into different fashion trends — I mean actually inviting external changes (things outside of your control) as positives. I must sound masochistic, but its true. Whatever feels wrong, what ever hurts, what ever happens that isn’t positive — I internalize it as such. I process it as things I must process in order to be the human I want to be and every change (good or bad) to an opportunity to built that person.
When I tell people this — its often met with confusion. So it may be no surprise that I rarely ever share this tidbit of wisdom around my family.
I must say for someone that has processed so much external change in such a short period of time — everyday I feel like I am one step closer to being the person I want to be and that is the most exciting and wonderful thing ever.
I can do without doing the norm. It’s not a consious choice, but it happens. I’ve been the execption to a lot of rules. I’m the outcast in my generation because I fail to coincide with a lot of their political beliefs, their ideas on what dating should be like, and their false sense of a “zest for life”. I was the only freshman in a lot of graduate level courses in college. I was the 15 year old trying to make money online in a time where people were afraid of using their credit cards online. I was with my high school best friend for the majority of my life when everyone suggested I should be “out there” and dating amongst everyone else. And now about a year later — I find myself with someone much older than me in age. All of those things — outside the norm.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT? None of those things did me wrong — in fact they opened me up to a different level of expereince — they opened me up to what I truly believe is still in line with who I am and none of those things had any negative impact on who I am.
To be honest, that’s a fucking achievement —because I don’t give two shits what people think of me and I definitely don’t give a damn about what those who think they know me think of me because if I can take risks in the most humble and vulnerable state, if I can embrace all the change, and I can create my own damn life without following the norm than contrary to what’s believed, I’m already doing a damn good job.